ONE OF THOSE DAYS

A few days ago I had A DAY, not just any day, but a day that started out as “One of those days…” My printer broke, reeds broke, I had the wrong directions to a gig, and when I stopped to get gas (and directions)- the pump was broken (which I only found out after it had taken my credit card info. It was an Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day kind of day.

 

Usually I try to counteract these kinds of days with coffee, with a trying-to-get-through-it attitude, and with a sigh. And in all honesty, (typed in a whisper) a lot of silent swearing and throwing my hands up in the air- almost like a sign of defeat to the Gods.

 

But this day, I tried a new approach: I let go. There was too much happening that I couldn’t control, sending me in new directions, and the tighter I gripped to my own agenda the worse I felt.

 

As I let go, a sense of tension in my body was released, my breath returned, and my ability to live in the moment returned. I laughed at my own “up tight nature” and that lessons appear in odd shapes. It seems that this lesson was: nonattachment.

 

I’d recently been reading the magazine Yoga Journal and there was a snippet by Kate Holcombe where she explains the ancient wisdom of Ishvara pranidhana: nonattachment.

 

This is wisdom I struggle with as a performing artist. I spend weeks preparing, practicing, creating reeds for the moment of the performance only to release the outcome of the performance: aka nonattachment? Deep breath.

 

But then I had the wisdom of my mother to help balance it out. As a child my mother said that art is like a bird that one holds in their hand. If you try to hold it too tightly, it is crushed and dies. But if you keep your hand open it can rest there and inspire you.

 

So I let go of trying to hold to tightly to the day and my own agenda. I’m working on letting go of creating the perfect performance but allowing it to BE, just as it is - and maybe that is perfection.

And I keep opening my hand so that I might be visited by the creative spirit, giving it a safe place to land.

 

For all the creative entrepreneurs who are curious where my inspiration for this blog came from:

“When faced with a challenge a helpful mind set can be found in the concept of Ishvara pranidhana or nonattachment to the fruits of one’s actions. As the ancient sage Patanjali says in 2:1 of Yoga Stura, Ishvara pranidhana can be powerful practice that affects the way we approach every action we take. Patanjali advises us to focus on the quality of the act rather than on its outcome, leaving the “fruits” of our actions to something greater. From this perspective, everything we do becomes an opportunity for practice… Regardless of the outcome, the mind is calm, clear and present because our joy comes from the act itself, rather than the outcome.” -Kate Holcombe

THE TEXTURE OF SILENCE

It’s been over a month since my last post. It is not for a lack of thoughts or inspiration. I have been caught in the texture of silence.

 

As a musician, I spend almost all of my time making sound. Bright sound, Rough sound, Quiet sound, Sensual sound… But as my art progresses I have become increasingly captivated by the texture of no sound, the texture of the rest or breath mark.

 

This lack of sound has always been a topic of discussion. Throughout my studies it has been referred to as silence, or pause. But as I was canning tomatoes this summer (a Quiet and Meditative time for me) I realized that silence has texture, just as sound has texture.

One of my tomato plants silently blooming.

This has provoked new imagery for me. A rest is no longer a pause. And a breath mark is not just a space to breathe. There is texture to the rest and to the time of the rest. Rests can be Arrogant, Questioning, or Robust- an emotion so strong it feels tangible. And the emotion can give way to texture; a moment so Thick it feels like a humid summer day OR maybe it is Rough like gritty sand paper.

During my last solo live performance, I realized all of these moments of textured non-sound are heightened by the human experience. By the human experience, I mean- the camaraderie with the audience in an onstage moment, the adrenaline that alters the perception of time and texture- and the texture added to “silence” by the audience.

I have a feeling that this is only the beginning of my thoughts on non-sound but I break my Blog silence to open my thoughts- and find the texture of sound and non-sound equally.

For all the creative entrepreneurs who are curious where my inspiration for this blog came from:

“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.”

-Mother Teresa